Interview with the cybernat

JAMIE GLACKIN comes face to face with one of Eck’s “Children of the Night”

Names have been changed to protect the innocent…

Interviewer:       So, tell us, when did you become one of the so-called ‘Cybernats?’

Cybernat:             It started slowly at first. Alone in my flat one night a few years back, whilst surfing the net with the curtains shut, I was curious. I stumbled across internet sites that allowed me to submit comments, usually unrelated to the topic being discussed. The following night, I visited the site to see if my comments had been approved. They had.

Interviewer:       Did you find it exciting?

Cybernat:             Yes. Yes I did. I hadn’t realised that the simple act of answering a question with another question could be so thrilling. One comment a night led to several. Soon I had even found a Twitter Avatar that would protect my identity. A bit like Batman. Looking back, its clear that this is where it started to go wrong for me.

Interviewer:       How so?

Cybernat:             Soon I found myself submitting comments into the wee small hours. Indeed, in only a few months after starting, I had basically become nocturnal. My days were spent sleeping, only waking in time for Reporting Scotland. Usually, this gave me a topic to bleat on about until Newsnicht Scotland, when I would really up the pace. Comments became more and more abusive. My health started to suffer. I didn’t have what you would call a social life. My “friends” became fellow contributors on sites like Newsnet, where like-minded souls would often carp late into the night. Then we would descend on masse onto Liebour websites and really give it tae them.

Interviewer:       But why the SNP? Are you a Nationalist?

Cybernat:             Aye definitely. Listen, you canny believe a word that ‘Liebour’ say. They are a party run from London and always have been. They were not founded by a Scotsman and have nothing at all to say about Scotland. All of Scotland’s resources go to pay for illegal wars like Iraq, Afghanistan and Kosovo.  In fact, Liebour are actually ‘Britnats!’

Interviewer:       ‘Britnats’?

Cybernat:             Aye, definitely. Britnats. They just tell lies and fight wars that nobody in Scotland wants. They even let the Tories into government to avoid sharing power with the SNP. They’re totally in love with the Tories.

Interviewer:       Even though Labour lost the election? Wouldn’t it be anathema for the SNP to enter a coalition government of the United Kingdom?

Cybernat:             Listen you – how dare you disrespect a voter! No wonder Liebour lost the Inverclyde by-election. With politicians like you abusing people it’s obvious why everyone in Scotland wanted to free Megrahi.

Interviewer:       Eh?

Cybernat:             Aye that’s right. And don’t give me any of your “Scotland couldnae hack it on its ain” p*sh!

Interviewer:       I don’t think I’ve ever said that. There are smaller countries than Scotland that manage. But do they manage as well?

Cybernat:             You didnae say that when you invaded Iraq! Yes or no?

Interviewer:       (Speechless) So moving on, what would you say is the biggest issue facing Scotland?

Cybernat:             Easy. The football team for the London Olympics. That was Liebour as well.

Interviewer:       So, can the SNP win the independence referendum? How many questions will there be?

Cybernat:             Listen, we said clearly a couple of minutes before the Holyrood election that we stood for independence. We want to be free of the Liebour and Tory tyrants at Westminster. It’s up to the people to choose and they already have. And that’s why we exposed the Liebour scum in Inverclyde and everybody voted for Anne, who is very well respected in the SNP. The fact that Mr Angry McKenzie  is now the MP just shows why Liebour invaded Sierra Leone.

Interviewer:       (?) Wouldn’t it be sensible to allow an option for the transfer of more taxation powers to the Scottish Parliament? Surely there are many in the SNP that actually fear full independence but would favour further devolution or a federal system?

Cybernat:             That’s another Liebour lie. Everybody in the SNP wants to be an equal partner with England, Germany and China and join the marvellous Euro like Ireland, Portugal and Greece. Nobody wants further devolution or the thousands of compulsory redundancies at Inverclyde Council. That’s the legacy of London Liebour.

Interviewer:       When the First Minister stated after the election that the SNP did not have a monopoly on wisdom, who do you think he was reaching out to?

Cybernat:             It certainly wisnae me! Or those Liebour dinosaurs who invaded the Crimea.

Interviewer:       So, to conclude, would you agree that the majority of Cybernats are rather humourless individuals?

Cybernat:             How dare you call me a Cybernat! I’m an undecided voter who won’t listen to or tweet anything that hasn’t come from the SNP. So was the 100 years war legal or not? Yes or No….

(Continues until about 5.00am…)

Jamie Glackin was Labour’s candidate in Perth & North Perthshire at the 2010 general election and is a member of Labour’s Scottish Executive Committee. He doesn’t have many nationalist friends. Follow Jamie on Twitter at@Jamie4Labour.