A leak from the whip’s office!

Email1195436834 security among the SNP Westminster group appears to be very lax, as the following memo from the SNP whips’ office has been leaked to Labour Hame via angus.b@lobbylav.parliament.uk:

 

To: SNP Group, Westminster

From: Mike Weir, Chief Whip

 

Colleagues,

The “feisty 56” (thanks Alex) have had another fine week in the bosom of the Auld Enemy.

We scored another great hit when we persuaded everyone that Labour MPs had voted against 16 – 17 year olds getting a vote in the EU referendum. Well done.

A pat on the back to everyone for re-tweeting Angus’ assertion that Labour had voted with the Tories on this issue – everyone fell for it (except for that pesky Full Fact organisation).

Those of you who are new to politics might be a bit confused as to why Angus would say something that is clearly not true, but don’t worry, it is one of our favourite tactics.

Remember all the hoo-ha over whether Alex had got legal advice on whether an indy Scotland could join the EU straightaway? He bluffed his way out of that one brilliantly.

It works like this: if we assert something loudly and often enough, people accept it is true – even when it is not; it works especially well with our most ardent followers and The National.

In this case Labour MPs voted for the EU Referendum Bill, and did not support our amendment that would have effectively killed the Bill.

But because we had cunningly added in a line into our amendment about votes for 16 and 17 year olds, we got away with saying Labour were against extending the franchise. Simples.

Your discipline has been exemplary this week (with one or two exceptions). I think almost every one of you tweeted on command, and if we keep this up we will soon have those Labour MPs not knowing whether they are coming or going.

Next week’s business is on full fiscal autonomy – we are going to have some fun with that, I can tell you, but if anyone sees that pesky Tory, Sir Edward Leigh, can you lock him in the gents?

Yours aye for Scotland (in Westminster),

 

Mike Weir

 

P.S. Could Tommy Shepperd and George Kerevan come to the Whip’s Office first thing on Monday morning. I need to have a quiet word with you both about the difference between being honest with the voters, and destroying our party’s credibility. It won’t take long.

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14 thoughts on “A leak from the whip’s office!

  1. Do you really believe this is genuine? Oh dear.
    You really need to check your sources. This is a spoof.

    1. A succinct critique Charlie. Your brevity devotes more time to these writings than they merit.

  2. Its obviously a parody Dennis, just not particularly funny. There’s an old trope about conservatives/right wing not being able to do comedy, i’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

  3. Obviously a spoof email sent by Labour for Labour. There’s no way in the world a message as sensitive and crude as this would be sent by SNP. Definitely a lie.

  4. Is this how Labour performance open debate? Oh dear, no wonder you’re dying out.

  5. Dear Sirs,

    We were considering legal action as we hold the Scottish franchise on amusing political satire and we were told you were moving in on our turf.

    However, having read the piece, we are assured it is neither satirical nor amusing, but simple transference.

    Consequently, you are off the hook – for now.

    Kenny McQuarrell
    Director General
    BBC Scotlandshire

  6. Was someone listening at the keyhole? I could imagine exactly this being said at the weekly SNP instruction meetings for MPs.

  7. Overuse of the word ‘asserts’ which is a Labour word. Next time aim for some humour. To set this off don’t tip your hand right away. Start it as though it really WAS an SNP memo. Suspension of disbelief is essential for this type of prank/joke. Then, from the middle onwards keep raising the stakes, ie more and more ridiculous, until the coup de gras which reveals the prank and leaves the reader chuckling but facepalming as well.

    Sadly this falls short on all counts, I know that the concept of humour is new to you so have another go at it, from here you can only get better! Remember, humour through clenched teeth isn’t humour, it’s just bitter.

    Let me know how you get on! Don’t be too disappointed if you don’t raise a titter next time either – even the professional writers die on their ar*es sometimes!

  8. The tone seems familiar, is Alistair Carmichael behind this leak as well?

  9. Keep going, you’re driving people into the arms of the SNP.

    I know DH is a bitter and twisted kinda fella but he doesn’t seem to realise that most people aren’t.

  10. The humour has been overtaken by bitterness in this piece, so what could have been the start of a good series seems to have died a death. Private Eye know how to do this sort of stuff, so you might want to take lessons from Lord Gnome’s organ…

    At root, the best satire is based on cultural superiority. That is why the Dear Bill letters are still quoted. The Eye just looked down on Dennis Thatcher as the grubby, saloon bar fascist that he was and then created a series that embodied the type of letters that such a man would write.

    At the moment I am running a little series of my own that takes the mickey out of Nuneaton. Come on, nasty little towns and their dreary denizens are ripe for mockery, and this small piece that involves nothing more than two photos and a bit of text that took me all of five minutes to write went viral and is now all over the web.

    The problem that you have is that you cannot look down on the SNP, all you can do is look up to them and then whine that they stole your policies.

    The reader can see that, hence the reason why the piece is not funny.

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