The CyberAbs are coming! A warning from JAMIE GLACKIN

 

For longer than we can remember, the people of Aberdeen have been subjugated by its larger neighbour, Scotland. Too long have we been robbed of our natural resources – our beloved gas and oil is pumped away like the tax revenue that could be ours to build things like schools and hospitals, care for the elderly, books for libraries etc. All in that foreign abomination Scotland. As our oppressive neighbour grows fat on our carbon-rich and finite resources, the people of Aberdeen have been left to themselves to sort out the mess in the local council, starved of even basic funding from our overlords in Holyrood despite year-on-year increases.

I tell you, fellow Northern Lighters, the day is coming when we shall ask the question of the people of Aberdeen: “Do you want an independent Aberdeen? Yes or No?”

Of course, we cannot say when this historic day will be, or what it will mean exactly, but we can assure you that between now and then we will not be remotely concerned about emptying bins or keeping roads open in winter. Oh no, we shall be making the case for independence, day and night! Thanks to our highly sophisticated communications team, we will be bang on the mark, speaking with one voice. There will be no dissent or differences of opinion within our ranks. Because we desire liberation from our Scottish Oppressors above all things, we are willing to put our actual political views, no matter how barmy, to one side in the pursuit of that goal.

To those who seek to frighten and intimidate the people of Aberdeen, your time is up. Anyone who offers any alternative to full independence will be painted as irredeemably negative. Politicians and activists of foreign parties be warned: you will be subjected to torrents of abuse through every social media network. When you wake up in the morning, our CyberAbs will have left some really constructive arguments in your inbox!

But how will we survive without our abusive neighbour you may not ask? Clearly there are issues that have to be resolved. As Aberdonian companies were in no way responsible for the financial crisis that crippled foreign banks like RBS and HBOS, we will not be taking any share of Scotland’s debt. Indeed, they owe us money! Similar sized countries like Lichtenstein and the Vatican don’t have any debts and are beyond reproach financially. And neither, dear friends, will we.

As for the precious black stuff, we will guard it with our lives. An Independent Aberdeen and our fellow OPEC nations (Orkney, Shetland etc,) will build an Arc of Prosperity that will last a thousand years. You see, we know that you’re hooked on the stuff, so we will happily supply it at premium rates, fuelling inflation in your own negative economies. We will attract foreign investment away from Scotland and other countries by lowering corporation tax to almost zero, ensuring the funds that they need to support a welfare state and health service in the common good instead comes to us in record amounts. We wouldn’t normally be so hard-nosed about this, but as we have nothing remotely in common with the rest of Scotland it doesn’t really bother us. Sorry.

And when our Black Gold runs out? We will of course control all of the wind, tidal and wave resource. Our vast renewables potential is in no way overestimated and the colossal returns that we get from you for our oil will build Mega Turbines, thousands of miles out to sea in Aberdeen waters where we can easily bring that power ashore through yet-to-be-invented technology. To those from the foreign fishing fleets from Angus and Fife – you can forget stealing our plentiful supplies of cod and haddock. Oh no, our naval fleet will be on you like a shot!

Of course, we fully intend to apply to become full members of the EU, and to join the incredibly successful single currency. We cannot imagine any legitimate reason why the Council of Ministers could possibly see that as a bad thing and use their veto. We will be happy to hand responsibility for our courts directly to our kinsmen in Strasbourg, rather than see our long standing traditions being trodden over by an Aberdonian, who has no knowledge of Aberdeen’s Laws and Customs, despite being a member of the Aberdeen Bench for many years.

Whilst the negative among you will no doubt think all this ridiculous, then you have simply failed to understand how a well worked and positive campaign works. One that doesn’t raise our core ambition at all can work wonders come election day. And don’t even think about trying to come up with something that matches the ambitions of Aberdeen. We already know the answer and are unwilling to listen to the question.

In the meantime, I will be expending a great deal of effort on behalf of the People of Aberdeen. Mostly at Holyrood discussing our terms. Ironically, I quite like it there.

Jamie Glackin is a member of Labour’s Scottish Executive Committee. He drinks far too much coffee. Follow Jamie on Twitter at @Jamie4Labour.

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16 thoughts on “Be part of a better Aberdeen!

  1. This article shows a great disrespect for the people of Scotland.

    Jamie, 1, you drink too much coffee, 2, SNP had a resounding success at the last Scottish election and 3, Aberdeen has never been a Country. (I think there is an old Ealing Norman Wisdom film which you may have plagiarised)

    Now, please contribute something that will garner collective enthusiasm for our great Nation. This is not about Labour, SNP, Conservative & Unionists or Lib Dems and Others; this is not about ‘tribal mutterings’. This is about Scotland.

    PS – I do understand your attempt at wit and humour but, as is to be expected, your timing is ill judged.

  2. CW, I can confirm that I hadn’t read Kevin’s article. Clearly great (some,) minds think alike.

    Oh, and before anyone states that i’m not actually from Aberdeen, well Che Guevara wasn’t from Cuba. Was he?

    (sips another Bolivian and drags on a Monte Cristo…)

    1. Your article makes it evident that you have oversupped on the Monte Cristo and take far too many drags on the Bolivian.

  3. This is an excellent piece. I am particularly drawn to the bit about one or all of the Council of Ministers using their veto to go tell the independent State of Aberdeen to get raffled when they naively apply for EU membership- thinking it to be a shooey-in.

    1. I’m sorry, but why would you honestly think that “all of the council of ministers” would veto Scotland’s (or in this charade, Aberdeen’s) entry into the EU? We are currently a part of the free-trade area, apply all eu laws, and would therefore meet all of the membership criteria for a new state.
      I agree that there would be a vote in the council and parliament, but you provide no good reason why any leader would necessarily vote no, after all I could list many good reasons why it would be in the EU’s interest to keep Scotland in the EU, but to be honest, the fact that Scottish waters would be amongst the largest of all EU states, most would vote to keep Scotland in for the CFP alone…

  4. Can I issue a plea for Montrose to join you? For too long we have suffered under the oppressive imperialist yoke of the gaelic peoples, and we now wish to reassert our Glorious Pictish identity!

    Our tenous historical connection is that we used to be represented by the MP for Aberdeen Burghs!

  5. At the risk of appearing tedious, I have to point out that this reveals one of the very serious failings of the Labour approach to Scottish politics. Scotland is a nation. And therefore it is appropriate to make these arguments on behalf of a nation. You might not like them, and you might think them weak, but they are appropriate. Unless you seek to establish an independent Aberdeen on the model of a 14th century Italian city-state, or perhaps recreate the Hanseatic League, then the notion of applying them to a city invites the ridicule which you rightly offer.

    But it is not ridiculous to argue that a nation should be independent. If your contention is that the arguments for Scottish independence are weak, then take them on and provide counter arguments. Tell us why the Union is so good. One of the reasons this site has so many SNP supporters posting in the comments is that we would welcome the debate. But this kind of playground stuff just suggests (again) that you have nothing to say.

    1. Oh dear Duncan. In an Independent Aberdeen there will be no place for fundementalist kill-joys. Unless of course such activities have been approved by the Democratic Operations of the Republican Independence Committee (DORIC).

      Which in turn reports to the International Republican Organisation for the National Independence Councils. (IRONIC)

      I thank you.

  6. This is the most amazing thing I have seen all week. I’ll definitely be giggling about it for the rest of the day. Well done comrade!

  7. The People’s Democratic Republic of Gartmore (inc. Aberfoyle, Callander & Drymen and surrounding farms) says; “Yes…ish, in principle…the agrarians are kind of with you…but we want a referendum…or maybe two…just to be sure that we know what we’re getting into….and a coalition….and…

  8. we will have to have passport and border controls also no minimum alcohol price rubbish then we can sell the stuff to those strange foreign lot in Salmondshire

  9. Greetings from the Popular Front for Lanarkshire (incorporating the People’s Movement for the Demolition of Cumbernauld).

    For too long have we accepted the gael-ification of our train stations. We are demanding that the imperialist ScotRail rebrand using the traditional Cumbric as spoken by our forefathers, and that this should be imposed on the entirety of the Scottish landmass without regards to regional cultural identity or how much money is being wasted in the process, or even if some place names have hed to be entirely invented just to put on station signs.

    If this is unacheivable, then we shall be left with no option but to seceed from Scotland and join a far more accountable and sensitive union in Europe.

    Codi Lanerc!

  10. I wholeheartedly support the independence of Aberdeen if that is the wish of their people. I am further comforted by the fact that more Labour members realize that leaving the UK is in their own interest. Whether in an indepdendent Scotland or the royal duchy of Aberdeen, freedom from the failed UK will set all Aberdonians free.

  11. This article (and site) is funny, but the Labour and Unionist Party will have to get serious soon if they want to win back the hearts and minds of the people of Scotland. A long-running joke makes for a very good read, but not a good governing party, as Scotland has recognised.

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